as d pendulum swings

hey.

how’s life, peeps? guess everybody’s packed with workloads. well, UPSR is getting nearer and i feel like the more work given the less work done. haha. my kids are, well, you know, the first from the bottom. sometimes it feels like teaching them more sivik than english. at times, i get so clueless that i let my hands do the talking. but not in the violent kind of way la. just a little not-so-gentle pats on their back seem to be working sometimes.

well, i have to. since there’s a growing soul inside of my womb since the last four months and so, i become so conscious on my speech. [yep. i'm expecting. ] i get so afraid that i would utter harshness so i started to get physical. i know and i am so aware of my limitations and that is when i just throw them a glance and hoping that they’ll understand my non-verbal frustration. i am unable to go where i want to go with my kids and that’s what upset me the most.

whenever this thought fills me up, the only thing that comes to my mind is to request for a transfer. gosh. what a weakling i am. do i really think that by escaping this school, i would be able to cheer up again? yes, of course the stakes is high. this year’s UPSR is gonna be the first ever in this school. perhaps i was so excited in the beginning that it unconsciously exhausts me now.

when i get rational again, i think maybe i should not ask for a transfer. but who knows that thought would come again and i’d be arguing with my hubby about it once more.

huh. i feel so tired fighting against myself. but, whatever it is, i know i have to be strong. at least, for my baby. sanity is the thing that would keep me and my baby alive. i know.

things won’t get any better if i keep on sighing and singing the blues, right? so, i’ll try my best to keep up.
signing off.

salam.

it’s been a month now. yes. i’m wishing myself and my beloved hubby hepi ulang bulan yang pertama. hakhak.

so. what’s marriage life is like? well. there are tonnes of differences than before. i mean, as in my single-hood. so far, things are doing great. in other words, am loving it. yep. you are free to make your own interpretation.

but all i can say here is that having sharing my life with someone teaches me a lot in making better decisions. since wan comes from a completely different background than i am, i begin to see things in a more varied angle and perspective.

yep, i admit that most of the time, i am very much influenced by my ego, but, slowly, and unconsciously he teaches me how to think in a more rational manner. lucky me that he is way patient than i am. i do respect him for the way he thinks though at times, his appearance could hardly reflect that fact. haha.

well. i come to realize that marriage life doesn’t limit my social circle as well as my personal development. as a matter of fact, my marriage kind of pulls my senses back together in one piece. i become a more composed person. =p

hmm. need to sign off now. it’s been 3 hours now that i lepak-lepak here at golden bean. and yes. my hubby sends his warmest regard to all. jawab ye.

ok. take care. love you all.

chow.

first of all, happy fasting, folks. i know this comes quite late, but who cares? as long as there’s still time for us to fully appreciate the ramadhan in the most humble fashion, i’ll just keep wishing it.

secondly, i’d like to say, CONGRATS to all of my lovely girlfriends for the change of marital status!!!! and i am so terribly sorry for not being able to be there and shed your tears of happiness. tears of happiness? i am most cer

land’s end? yerp. i’m currently giving out my best shot in being the most efficient government servant here in the land’s end of malaysia. haha. johore maa. not THE land’s end. however, i’m still adapting to the real world of adulthood. man, it’s tough. but, on second thought, the fact that i’m no longer a ‘voluntary’ slave to chains of assignment, yeah, i’m pretty much contented with my latest status as a person, a career ‘woman’.

a teacher i am. in a big BIG big school located somewhere in toot. being a teacher in a public school in malaysia is hard, especially nowadays. the stakeholders put so high of an expectation out of the newly posted teachers. the admin, the PTA, the parents and the society as well. they are most of the times extremely difficult to be catered to. but, for me, my biggest concern would be my children. i have no freaking idea of WHY on earth children today are so ‘daring’. huhu. i get headache + backache almost on daily basis! all the psychological techniques and tips seem to have gone out of the window each time i tried to experiment with them. and seems like only with LOOOOUUD voice and monstrous facial expression work on them. i’ve got my first sore-throat the other day, which has lasted for a month. and oh, yea. the sore-throat came in a package, combo! i was attacked by flu + cold + fever + constant headache all simultaneously. erm, and i refused to recall the tragic memory. sigh.

my first payroll came in after three-month time. however, the amount was insufficient, but i got that figured out. hopefully, i’ll get my arrears sooner or later. haha. well, financial planner, looks like i need one. again, it demands me to be more matured and organised, since i’m still in the process of converting my mindset from a student’s to a career person’s. i’m desperate for a proper guidance.

and before i put a full-stop to this entree, i’d like to express my congratulations to a very close of mine who’s got engaged last weekend. and babe, again, i’m so sorry that i couldn’t be there to share your one-in-a-lifetime moment. but you know what. that guy is a lucky guy that he’s charmed you. and i mean it.

well, fellas. am running out of thing to share for the time being. will definitely come back for more.

see ya.

currently listening: linger [cranberries]

"… and as i looked ahead, I could see she’s smiling at me with her watery eyes, getting ready to say goodbye. I clenched my teeth tightly, trying my very best to look as unemotional as I could. As a plain smile was drawn on my lips, she came closer and began to shatter her tears. We put our arms around each other’s shaking bodies and that was when silence took place for a moment. Pieces of memory came flashing all over my mind and I didn’t realize that salty water already rolling down my cheeks…"

It has been almost six years that we knew one another. Quite a long period of time actually. It felt like more than half of my life was being spent with them. Why? Because they’ve taught me so much, just like a mother, a father, a brother, a sister and just like a real friend would do. I guess I’ve changed so much. And guess what? Be it for better or worse, they have never deserted me. They stayed and took me as I am. So purely unpretentious and never an inch of hyprocrisy been in between.

Gosh. I can’t really express my hearts here. It’s just so messy in there and I do not quite know how to react when each of them leave and say goodbye. Or maybe the melancholic side is being suppressed, unable to show itself to them. I know, because when I’m alone, it brings tears to my face.

Dearest friends, first cohort TESLians of [Marjon] + [QUT] + [Macquarie] + [Auckland] + [Wellington] = [IPBA], thanks so much. You all have been angels to me and I’m sorry I didn’t give my best to be as what you’ve been to me. Saying goodbye is never easy, I know. But nothing is easy, right?

"…Thanks so much for being my friend. Please forgive me for every mistake I’ve done the past six years. Do take good care of yourself. Do keep in touch. Lemme know where you’re gonna be posted. I’ll do just the same. Gonna miss having you around. Goodbye. So long…"

So long, everyone. As the pendulum swings, hope we’ll still have each other.

Currently playing: times like these [foo fighters]

inspiration. my dear inspiration. i’m losing you. where art thou? gosh. you know i can’t possibly log into the virtual world without you.

there you go. i’m running out of idea of what to write. the signal is too weak. o, man. i remember when i was once so full of stories and views to share with my readers. that was the time when so much pain was inflicted in me, intentionally by some people. i got my guts so turned on and provoked by their irresponsible acts, just to jeopardize my sensibility. well. to a certain extent, i shall say that infliction of pain, especially when it is originated from the most unexpected person in your life, could be the most effective stimuli to come up with so much beautiful thought. and the result is a piece of write-up that could touch other people’s hearts. right?

i know because i’m speaking from experience. well, the experience is no longer an experience that makes sense to me, but it did happen. and i thank God for that. if i am about to share with you what kind of experience that i’ve been through, i know it could lead to unnecessary arguments.

recently, the experience has kind of ‘revisited’ me. i know just how the ‘game’ is played so i just did what i had to do. just be cool and i bear in mind that perhaps, that one is destined to be just another passer-by in my life so that, later in my life, i would have definitely learned my lesson. it was bitter, and i am aware that i feel a lot more sad than angry about it.

but what the heck! why should i be whining about unworthy things as such? my life is so colourful with bunch of people who could lend me their umbrella when i need it. they are people who make me laugh and smile with their stupid jokes and wits. people whom i always call cacat because of their made-up cacat personality. hakhak.

well. i wish by the end of this entry, by the last full stop, my heart gets toughened because this is the time when i am supposed to take control of my own being and not let things get hold of me instead. big girl, i am.

currently listening: the jean genie [david bowie]

hiyaa!

first of all; happy belated eid mubarak!!!

thanx for the wishes, thanx a lot!!! so sorry that i couldn’t reply all those. its because last year when i tried to wish it to each and every friend i have in my friends list, things just became so messed up. so, ok la eh, aku wish kat sini je. ;p

so. how’s your eid celebration? besh ka tarak besh? mine? i shall say…a bit incomplete since not much angpow received. ehek! btw. i still got some from me bros+sistahs n oso from me granny. hehe. and friends, dont forget to pose 6. baru le complete raye kite, insyaAllah. aku? tak start lagik. ngee.

now. i’m back in college in kl, the garden city of lights. need to attend some courses [err... not including kursus nikah. huhu.] buhsan seyh. bile la nak abes blajar nih. dah berjanggut aku ni ha. takpe. takpe. skeeet je lagi. huhu.

gambatte-ne!

currently listening: losing everyone [lagwagon]

yeah yeah i know. i have a serious eye-bag problem. this is the result of being a nocturnal creature. although for the past 3 months, i’ve been trying to be kind to myself by getting enough sleep everyday, still, those ‘bags’ dont seem to leave. i guess they love me so much. huhu.

perhaps, i need to be totally serious about this, since last night alone, there were two male friends were concerned enough to make a remark on the condition of my eyes. great. just great.

well. i have a lot to say, but maybe not to write.

signing off for now.

c ya and take care.

currently listening: sex and candy [marcy playground]

so. how’re things, peeps? it’s been quite awhile since i last wrote something crappy in this blog. gosh. i think i dunno how to write a proper entry anymore. although i’ve written so many pieces of so-called academic stuff as assignments, i dont think i’ve developed my writing skill to a worth-to-be-published level. ahaks. whatever it is.

you guys puase or not? oh, man. this question reminds me of a nitemare i’ve been through during one of my observations while i was doing my practicum that day. dont want to talk about it either. heh. but it was a complete disaster, okeyh?

this year’s ramadan is gonna be my last ramadan as a student, insyaAllah. in fact, i’m getting tired of the label ’student’ i’ve worn most of my life, you know. but, i know, as i become an educator soon, early next year, i’m definitely gonna miss being a student. that’s what people keep telling me about. of course, life as a student is a pain in the arse, but life as an adult is far much tougher.

why palindromic? well. initially, i intend to share my two-penny of practicum experience which took place in dengkil. you know dengkil? it’s between putrajaya and banting. it takes less than 20minutes to actually reach putrajaya.

the first few weeks (actually only two first weeks) of it was wonderful. i loved the kids and they seemed to love me too. but then, as we got along well, they became difficult. very difficult, indeed. and only then i realise just how complicated this thing really is. i should say the mid period of my practicum was a complete disastrous memory. i wish i could just rub it off from my tiny lil brain. however, as i was reaching the end of the practicum, i notice that how guilty i was towards my own kids, students. i think i havent done much for them. and on the very last day, i didnt even say goodbye to them. can you believe that??

i’ve been playing the role of a cold teacher to them. well, perhaps, it was because i do not know how to deal with them, or, simply, i just do not want to feel so sad as i leave them.

the last few weeks, my heart was crying out. i knew i wasnt ready to let them go yet. man. i’ve done nothing to them. i’ve done nothing to help them. i mean, it’s not all about loving the language, english, that is, but also about loving themselves. and dont get swayed away by whatsoever negative persuassions as they live through.

i knew i didnt leave a footprint in their mind, but i hope i’ve touched their hearts, for once. miss them heaps, seriously. uhuks.

to my kids and me myself: better things will come our way. (^_^)

currently listening: littlest things [lily allen]

first and foremost, a million thanx to all of ya who wished me 23rd last week. although the day itself was spent unproductively, but still, the texts and phone calls wishing me happy birthday did manage to put a smile on my face. thanx and thanx, peeps.

and so. i’m 23 now.

i dunno if the figure has brought an impact to me.

i think the answer is no.

i dont think i’m getting any better, at least that’s what i think. because i should say i am still way too childish. i hate this because the kids need me to be strong. problem is, i am so impatient, especially when it comes to dealing with their misbehaviour. i dunno if i really fit into this teaching career.

as the bell rings, my kids would stand up and thank me. but, man. i dunno if i can accept it. up until now, i feel some sort of guilt coating me.

gosh. everything’s so messed up. all at the same freaking time.

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what’s my birthday wish?

just some peace in my fcuking mind.

nothing more.

por favor.

currently listening: naive sick chasm [jejari mentega]